Born a Monster

Ren Nuan and Ren Hai didn’t have the fortunate setting from the prior day. Our front was more compact, and their efforts to skirmish led to them colliding with other soldiers. Cursing and shouting, they were squeezed into another section of the line.

What followed was nothing like a hundred one on one duels, it was a vast and muddled melee. I would leap to the right to aid the person on that side, and then leap the other direction with my shield extended to stop the soldiers in front of me from taking advantage of the one on the left. In turn, soldiers to my right and left would gladly strike the flanks of the soldiers in front of me.

And the enemy soldiers used exactly these same tactics.

Slowly, slowly, our lines were pushed back. As people began pulling back, our lines shrank toward the center. Both wings folded back, and the ends of the inmates folded in to attempt to crush us against the main body.

And where were our reserves? Picking noses and scratching armpits well behind us!

Ah, there were the horns, sounding them to...

They turned and filed back into the gate. Individuals who were wounded sped up to join them.

Wait, what? Had the horns sounded a retreat?

.....

Apparently, they had. Our formation withdrew with... ha, ha, sorry... yes.. no, wait, I can’t say that with a straight face.

No, I’m sure some of them tried to keep formation, or some manner of decorum.

Me? I managed to back-trip over an injured person, and spent the next few precious seconds just rolling left and right while...

Do you even know what a tetsubo is? Imagine a torch made out of metal. Not one of the small ones, but one of the two-hour torches that are used to light the outside of walls during sieges. Then, stick giant marbles and spikes all over the thing. Okay, now where the flat planes of the metal meet? Bend those panes inward so that they meet to form something like a serrated knife.

I got to dodge THAT until someone bumped him from behind, possibly on accident.

While they fought, I rose to my feet.

“Ren Hai has arrived!”

“Ren Nuan has also arrived!”

I turned to activate my Sprint power, and the corpse at my feet chose to grab my ankle, throwing me onto my belly. “Avenge me!” the corpse demanded.

“Now? You want me to do this now!? I’m freaking busy, you pushy dead bastard!”

“Song Qigang, my own niece. Swear to me that she will die by your hand, and I will release you.”

“That’s not how questing works, and you know it!” I said.

“Just swear, it is my only request before-”

“Brother!” Ren Nuan shouted, “That dead man is trying to steal our reward!”

“Sister, let us cut him up into pieces!”

“Yes, let’s! Hi-yah!”

And this they did, over the objections of the dead man.

A critical can happen at any time, even the first blow of a battle. I activated My Shield is My Life, which brought it down to a regular blow, but still...

[You have 12/40 health remaining.]

Well.. I wasn’t surrounded by enemies. I ran.

“Coward!” Ren Hai shouted.

“Stand and fight!” Ren Nuan shouted. “We’ll just kill you tomorrow!”

“Ha! I’m off the lines for at least two days with these injuries...”

And just then, I suffered another. Some archer’s lucky shot struck my left leg below the armored vest.

The nine points of damage and pain that told me someone had pierced my leg I could handle. The [Bleeding: 3] was a bit more concerning, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

[Ability: Hamstring, duration 1 minute. Your movement rate is halved, and cannot be increased by normal abilities or magic of the first tier.]

And at exactly that moment, something that felt like a mountain struck my back, hurling me to the ground hard enough to knock the breath from me. Someone without underwear plopped their posterior down on my neck.

“I, FU DOG KUMANCHU, CLAIM THIS ENEMY AS MY PRISONER. LET ANY WHO DARE DEFY MY WILL COME FORWARD AND BE PUNISHED NOW!”

[Resist Bleeding Check Successful, you now have Bleeding:2 and are taking four health damage each round. -1/40 health remaining. You will experience a prolonged period of unconsciousness.]

Ah, crap...

#

I awoke in the enemy camp, hands bound before me, smelling of urine, and with the taste of soured rice wine in my mouth.

“Ah.” Said Huang Lan, “The prisoner awakens.” He looked like he had slept in the dirt and not bathed.

The first pale sliver of moon was making its appearance.

“Took you long enough.” Kumanchu said. “We didn’t save you any wine.”

“I’ll just have to be happy with my life.” I said.

“What? Oh no, by Celestial Court Law, that’s my life now.” Kumanchu said.

“I don’t recall agreeing to that.” I said.

“It doesn’t matter what you agree to. The Celestial Emperor says this is how things work, therefore it works that way.”

“Sounds like the system is in need of an update.”

“Bite your tongue.”

I did so. “Hey!”

“Yupyup. Like I said, your life is mine.”

“Fool that you were to be captured in battle by a fu dog. Better for you if you had died.” Huang Lan said

“I thought fu dogs were guardians. Gentle guardians, as I recall.”

“Only when we’re drunk. We get cranky and mean if we’re forced to be sober.” He sighed. “What army travels with this little wine? We’ll just have to go find a town and buy some tomorrow.”

“With what money?” countered Huang Lan.

Kumanchu flopped onto a cot and stretched out. “Ahhh. That is tomorrow’s stress, besides, the Emperor provides. I’ve told you this.”

“And that is MY bed. I’ve told YOU this.”

Kumanchu’s eyes were already half lidded. “Uh-huh. You’ve not the strength to move me, old man.” He let out half a yawn, and then suddenly collapsed as though slain. Except that the slain don’t snore like that; if they did, we living would be more proactive at putting them to rest.

I blinked. “Is he faking that?”

“Alas, no. I thought so too, when I first took him from the Grand Temple. He was fitful when I could control him, but someone...” he kicked me in the head, “someone put an end to that.”

[You have taken no damage, -4/40 health remain, you will experience a period of prolonged unconsciousness.]

It wasn’t the first time I’d slept on bare earth; nor would it be the last.

In the morning, Kumanchu took the lead, Huang Lan following, a rope on his belt connected to the one still binding my hands.

“The general has ordered that one killed.” The guards told Kumanchu.

“The general can either suck my balls or provide me four times his weight in three star or better rice wine.” Kumanchu replied. “How do you think your mortal general compares with the Kennelmaster of Heaven? I owe your general precisely the weight of two rat farts.”

One of the two guards was speechless, but the younger asked Huang Lan, “Honored elder, can you not keep your divine servant under control?”

“It seems that I cannot.” He admitted. “But with enough alcohol in him, his mood will improve, much like the dawn warms the earth and ocean. We will return, I swear it.”

Glad he was swearing that and not me. I had tried to wash myself in a river with a Drown Curse, and discovered that somehow I had picked up more than one. In fact, I had three remaining, and no clue what would trigger them.

Okay, I still don’t like the Norvik, but having a level in Curse Eater sure would be helpful.

A gentle rain rolled in off the coast, improving my mood, worsening Huang Lan’s, and not affecting Kumanchu’s at all. Instead, his mood darkened as we discovered the nearest village had no proper wine left, only a week ale.

“But the next village is almost a day’s walk away.” Huang Lan said.

“Only because you walk so slow. I’ve asked you to fix that.”

In fact, when the bandits set upon us shortly before dusk, his mood was downright foul. Kumanchu dealt with them in a cold, efficient, manner that Eihtfuhr would have approved of.

“Kumanchu, would you please find their lair?” Huang Lan asked

“Why? What do bandits have that I could possibly want?”

“Food, for a certainty. None of us have eaten today.”

“WHAT!? By all the useless gods who track forms for eternity! You JUST ATE yesterday!”

“Yes, and I was hoping to do so again today, multiple times.”

“Reserve your hopes until I have my wine.” He said.

“But they will certainly have coin.”

.....

“Useless coin.”

“And possibly alcohol.” I said.

“Hrm... I can’t believe that bandits would have something like rice wine and not drink it immediately. But okay, it can’t hurt to check.”

In the end, nearly three dozen bandits and deserters from the inmate army were slain. Kumanchu got a single pitcher of wine, and there was enough food to sate Huang Lan and even provide me a decent meal.

“No, seriously.” I said to their accusing glares, “Too much longer and I’d have eaten these ropes.”